


Subjective experience

by fiablue



Category: Lizzie Bennet Diaries, Pride and Prejudice - All Media Types, Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
Genre: Feelings, Ficlet, Gen, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, self evaluation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-16
Updated: 2013-01-16
Packaged: 2017-11-25 17:49:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/641418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiablue/pseuds/fiablue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You used to crave this; this feeling of total irrational happiness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Subjective experience

**Author's Note:**

> This piece can apply to both Austen's p&p and the recent interpretation: the lizzie Bennet diaries. I confess that I had both versions of Darcy in mind when I wrote this..

 

You used to crave this; this feeling of total irrational happiness. You used to want it because it meant that she was near you; watching you, debating with you, challenging you. It was a forbidden pleasure to be close to a woman you deemed socially inferior to you.  It was like some kind of sickness, the way you would need that hit. Like a drug addict strung out, waiting for the next high.

You fell in love with her and in lust with the addiction of feeling this way.

Then came the day when you realised that what you had assumed was a friendly smile was actually a grimace of displeasure and the ‘debates’ you had were actually only her irritation finding a verbal outlet. You were abruptly made aware that she disliked you (really hated you) and everything shifted, never to be the same again.  That was when you started to run from that feeling of overwhelming happiness, instead focusing on the safety of complacent indifference.  It was terrifying to be that way.

* * *

You had never felt so alone.

* * *

 

But you had been good at the indifference thing so at first no one noticed the gradual change that was blossoming within you; the journey you were on to becoming a better man.

 Then she entered your life again and that feeling of irrational happiness came back with a vengeance. You only needed to smell her perfume and your body would explode with such joy that you almost couldn’t remember what a frown was.  And the addiction was never ending after that.

* * *

 

But now when you see your legs entwined with hers amongst the blades of summer green grass you realise that the feeling of irrational happiness is no longer something you so desperately crave. It does not hold that same ungovernable power over you, for the happiness you feel is no longer irrational. It is an enduring fixture in your life now.  It will never leave you now.

You turn to glance at the small freckles dotted across the bridge of her nose and know that this is where you are meant to be.

 _This is happiness, this is life._ With Lizzie.   


End file.
